Category: opinion

“Legit” marriages

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I was asked by some good friends to provide an letter attesting to the fact that their marriage was legit.  One of these friends is not a U.S. citizen and is in the process of getting a permanent green card.  Apparently, one of the requirements is to prove that your marriage is not a sham to keep you in the country.  I complied with the request because they are good friends and also happen to be legitimately married.  But as I wrote the more or less boilerplate letter, I grew increasingly angry with the need for this in the first place.  Not wanting to make trouble for my friends, my letter was innocent and to the point, without a hint of sarcasm.   But in order to exorcise the angry demon that has formed within me over this matter, here is the letter that I would have liked to have written (with names changed to protect the innocent).

Dear Sir or Madam:

I am writing this letter on the off chance that our esteemed Department of Homeland Security should find the marriage of Jack and Jill Jones in any way improper.  The truth is, I feel ridiculous having to state for the record that the marriage of two good friends, one of whom I have known for more than 20 years, is in fact legitimate.  What the hell business is it of yours anyway.  These are honest people.  If they say they are married, take them at their word.  If you suspect they are lying, then I don’t see the point of this letter in the first place.  What would prevent me from doing the same?

For me to have to spell out specific dates and events at which I have seen these friends together saddens me.  What is this country coming to?  What ever happened to the words of Emma Lazarus?  I’m sure you know to which words I refer, since, as an upstanding member of Homeland Security you are no doubt Red, White and Blue all the way through.  When we closed our Golden Door, was it forever?  Are we really trying to dissuade illegal immigration by making it more difficult to immigrate legally?

I have known people–citizens of the United States one and all–who have gotten married for absolutely terrible reasons.  Will we be routing out these villains next?

Regardless, I don’t really see the value of this letter toward your investigation, other than to have one more piece of paper in your file.  Having a letter from me does not prove that my friends are legitimately married.  The fact that they hold a valid marriage license doesn’t prove this either.  Seeing them interact with one another, seeing the way they enjoy each other’s company, seeing two people as one–that is as close as you can come to understanding that when Jack and Jill got married, it was because they loved each other, regardless of where they live.

You wonder why people of the world have grown to hate the United States.  Jesus Christ, take a look in the mirror!  The answer will be staring back at you.

Most Sincerely,

Jamie Todd Rubin

Repulsive advertising: South Carolina

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South Carolina is doing an advertising blitz in the food court of the shopping mall upon which my office building sits.  They’ve got a full-sized speed boat with a para-sailor up in the rafters, some kind of interactive beach ball video  game, kiosks which presumably give you lots of information about vacationing in South Carolina and a bunch of posters strung about like lava lamps at a 60s-themed party.  Crews have been setting up these things for the last week and it is both disruptive and annoying.  I found it amusing that it temporarily forced Starbuck’s Coffee to close.  Imaging holding at bay a gaggle of bleary-eyed caffeine-addicts so that you could hang up a sign telling people to come vacation in South Carolina.  (Good thing this was taking place in Arlington, Virigina and not, say, New York City.  Can imagine the unruly crowd taunting the workers with something like, “Screw South Carolina, give us our coffee.”

I’ve got nothing against South Carolina.  My problem is with the way this advertising campaign has become a production that you simply can’t avoid.  It’s everywhere in the food court, and in the early morning, before the mall opens, I have to listen to the workers shouting at each other while they try and get things set up just right.  The cost in labor for this thing must be tremendous.  Maybe it’s needed.  Frankly, when I think of vacation spots, I don’t think of South Carolina.

Of course, when I think of South Carolina, I’ll forever have this annoying advertising campaign in my mind.  That is enough to make me want to go somewhere else for my vacation.