Panix provides excellent spam detection-and-elimination services, but every now and then, a message will sneak it’s way through, and these messages never fail to amuse me.

Invariably, these messages have to do with sex or drugs. Add Rock ‘n’ Roll to the mix and we’d have a truly American combination. Today I received two of these messages.

First was the message asking if I “Need some love pills?”. How did they know that this was exactly what I was looking for? It is really rather uncanny. I can order these “love pills” online with no privacy exposure, no wasted time, and no outrageous prices. I can get, for instance, without a prescription apparently, Levitra for $5.78 which sounds like a bargain to me. Of course, the sex change operation it would take to change me into a woman and make these pills useful would cost a mint, and so I’m not inclined to purchase these particular “love pills”. I can also get Viagra Soft Tabs for a mere $4.10. But there seems to me to be something not right about marketing Viagra in a “soft” tab form. Well, never fear because for 3 cents less I can obtain Viagra Professional. I’m not sure exactly how this is different from normal Viagra, but I imagine it’s the stuff the Ron Jeremy would take.

Now here is what I don’t get: in addition to the usual staple of “love pills”, I can also purchase Valium and Xanax. I never knew that these were “love pills” so to speak, but on giving it some considered thought, I think I’ve worked out some theories. One never knows the powerful effect that Viagra might have. After all, the commericials all indicate that there is the potential for a four-hour priapism to set in. In this case, I imagine one could take a Valium which in theory might counteract the priapism and allow one to continue to perform without running off to the hopital. As for Xanax, well, in the case that the Viagra doesn’t actually work, you can pop one or two of the Xanax and at the very least, you won’t be anxious about your performance, regardless of how badly it turns out.

As if it wasn’t already enough that kind people on the Internet were concerned of my need for love pills, they also appear to be equally concerned with my financial situation (perhaps so that I can afford the love pills in the first place). At least, I received the following spam today, concerning my real estate investments:

Home O w n e r ,

Your credt doesn’t matter to us !
If you O W N real e s t a t e
and want I M M E D I A T E c a s h to s p e n d ANY way you like, or simply wish
to L O W E R your monthly p a y m e n t s by a third or more, here are the deals
we have T O D A Y :

$ 488 , 000 at a 3 , 67 % F i x e d – r a t e
$ 372 , 000 at a 3 , 90 % V a r i a b l e – r a t e
$ 492 , 000 at a 3 , 21 % I n t e r e s t – o n l y
$ 248 , 000 at a 3 , 36 % F i x e d – r a t e
$ 198 , 000 at a 3 , 55 % V a r i a b l e – r a t e

Hurry, when these deals are gone, they are gone!

Don’t worry about a p p r o v a l , your credit will not d i s q u a l i f y you !

Sincerely, Luci Hilson

A p p r o v a l Manager

Where to begin? Clearly, they have some reason to think that I am a Home O w n e r. Well, no one is perfect, I suppose. But look at those deals! Almost too good to be true, aren’t they? Not only that, I don’t have to worry about a p p r o v a l. Why not worry? Perhaps because I can always go to the previous spam message, purchase some Xanax, and then I don’t have to worry about anything.

I also not that “your credit will not d i s q u a l i f y you!” For some reason, it seems to me that this should read, “your good credit will not disqualify you.” Of course, with bad credit, you are reasonably assured of being approved for a deal as swell as this one.

All I can say is, thank you Luci Hilson for being so concerned with my financial well-being. You sound like a really nice girl. Say, you wouldn’t happen to be available would you? It just so happens that I can pick us up some Viagra and Levitra and we can have quite the party in the new house I’ll buy after taking you up on your generous refinance offer.

Ain’t the Internet grand?


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