My future interview with James Lipton

I might as well tell you that I have been to the future a time or two. This is one of the benefits of being first a science fiction fan, and second a member of Science Fiction and Fantasy Writers of America. As a fan, I traveled to the future through the hundreds of books and stories that I have read. As a SFWA member, I’ve had access to the time machine they keep for their members under lock and key in Schenectady. On one of my trips, I went to see myself interviewed by James Lipton on Inside the Actors Studio. (Apparently, around 2014, he runs out of actors and starts to interview writers of note.)

I won’t bore you with the whole interview. You know how these things go. (“We begin our class as we always do, at the beginning. Jamie, where were you born…?”, and so on.)

But I thought you might find the end of the interview interesting. And so here is the finale of my interview with James Lipton, which took will take place at Pace University on January 17, 2017.

JL: We begin our class with the questionnaire first used by the great French interviewer Bernard Pivot, Jamie, what’s your favorite word?

JTR: Mellifluous.

JL: What’s your least favorite word?

JTR: “Whatever”

JL: What turns you on?

JTR: A well-told story

JL: What turns you off?

JTR: Cigarettes

JL: What sound or noise do you love?

JTR: Thunder

JL: What sound or noise do you hate?

JTR: Ringtones

JL: And now the moment you’ve all been waiting for. Jamie, what is your favorite curse word?

JTR: [bleep!]-er!

JL: What profession other than yours would you like to attempt?

JTR: Astronaut

JL: What profession would you not want to try?

JTR: Lawyer

JL: Finally, Jamie, if heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates?

JTR: “Bar’s in the back, library is just off to the left…”

JL: Here are your students…

Well, there you have it. Incidentally, Lipton never seems to give up those blue cards. I swear, 9 years from now, digital paper is everywhere and he insists on using those blue cards. Of course, they are 100% recyclable…


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