Remaking Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

Let me begin by saying that, so far as I know, there is no remake of the classic mid-80s movie in the works. But think about it: you know it’s going to happen. You know that some young Hollywood producer without much of a sense of creativity is flipping through “old” movies to see what else can be remade. After all, they’re remaking Dirty Dancing. These days movies come in only a couple of flavors: franchise, reboot, remake, and the very occasional original stand-alone. (There are permutations, though, like franchise-reboot. Think Batman and Superman.)

And so this producer in Hollywood has already pitched the idea to someone, someone who was perhaps skeptical at first, but who, upon looking at the landscape, said, you know what, kid, you may be on to something.

I’d mentioned the idea of this cinematic abomination to a friend today and he didn’t think it would work. I agreed, it couldn’t possible work, after all, you are talking about a John Hughes movie. But my friend hit upon a thought so frightening that I almost dare not put it down in print. He said: “You know what they’ll do to make it work? All of the actors will be models. Cameron won’t be some lanky awkward guy, it will be Isaiah Mustafa.” He’s right, of course, that’s how it would go.

It sounds highly improbably and yet, if you think about it, you know that not only has the idea been pitched but young executive has asked for focus groups, demographics. They are wondering if this could be the next breakout comedy.

When this movie is announced–and it will be announced, they will get around to this one eventually–it will be, in my opinion the death of film as I have know it. No doubt the remake of Ferris Bueller won’t take place in Chicago, but it will involve a lot of 3D effects.

You can say I’m wrong all you want, but this blog post will be here when it happens, looming like an immense I Told You So.